Book Notes: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

While listening to this book, I repeatedly found myself pausing to jot down notes. I listened as both a teacher and a parent because relationships and communication are at the center of both. Here are my takeaways:

Acknowledge Feelings First

When a child is upset, my instinct is to get in there and help. I want to fix the problem. But Faber and Mazlish remind us that children, like adults, often need to feel understood before they can think clearly about solutions.

Sometimes the most helpful response is to acknowledge their situation:

"That stinks."

"I'd be upset, too."

"I'm sorry that happened to you."

In classrooms, before moving students toward solutions or reflection, take a moment to acknowledge what they're experiencing. “You’re nervous about the assessment.”

Problem-Solve Together

Once emotions have settled, the kid is sometimes ready to move on or suggest solutions independently. However, if they still need help, you can model collaborative problem-solving.

The process reminded me of a mutually agreed-upon solutions protocol I learned while teaching in Seattle. We would write down what each person needed in separate columns and then place shared ideas for consensus in the middle. Faber and Mazlish suggest a similar approach: generate as many solutions as possible without judgment, then eliminate options that don't work for either party. Both approaches aim to include children as active participants in the process.

People are more likely to commit to solutions when they have a voice in creating them. Adults and teachers still provide the structure and boundaries, but involving students in the process can increase ownership and cooperation.

The Power of the Sportscaster

Another idea that resonated with me was what I think of as the sportscaster approach. Instead of interpreting or evaluating a situation, simply describe what happened:

"You had the block, put it down, and then she picked it up."

"I saw you trip and hit your knee."

“You can’t find your homework.”

The authors suggest that descriptive observations often help children process events without feeling judged or dismissed. They also give children the time and space to think about their own next steps.

This reminded me of effective classroom feedback. Feedback tends to be most useful when it focuses on specific observations. Sometimes describing what we see allows students and children to actively problem-solve.

Ask Fewer Questions

Another section brought me back to a parenting class I took when my children were toddlers. The instructor challenged us to pay attention to the questions we asked over the course of a week. The exercise was eye-opening (and a little embarrassing).

First, I realized the sheer number of questions I asked. Yikes! Then I started paying attention to what those questions were actually doing.

"Do you want to get in the car?" That wasn't really a question. The expectation was that my child would get in the car. Some questions are really commands disguised as questions.

I also realized how many questions I asked that were less about genuine curiosity and more reflexive. "What color is this?" "Where is the cat?"

When we came back together the next week, I still remember the teacher saying, "I don't ask questions I already know the answer to." Ha! I'd never thought of it that way. While there is certainly a place for questioning in teaching, the exercise made me reflect on the types of questions I was asking and why.

The authors also provided a practical recommendation for when students or children ask questions and that’s to start with a pause.

Try: "Hmm..." or "What do you think?" or simply a moment of silence.

Giving children time to think supports independence and metacognition, and we know that in the classroom, wait time can improve the quality and length of student responses.

They also encourage directing children toward other sources of information—a librarian, expert, book, or trusted resource. That feels especially relevant in classrooms where one of our goals is helping students become independent learners rather than relying exclusively on the teacher for answers. I loved this reminder.

The Problem with Labels

Another note I made was about labels. It's easy to fall into them in the classroom and at home. She's disorganized. He’s my strong-willed child. She's creative. They don’t even have to be negative labels! I know that as teachers, we're constantly processing information, and categories help us make sense of what we're seeing.

The problem is that labels can become self-reinforcing, and the ways adults perceive students can influence opportunities, interactions, and student self-perceptions.

If we can try to loosen our grip on labels, we create space for growth. And, as is often the case with children, we might be surprised! Step one is to start listening for them in conversations and in your thoughts.

Final Thoughts

I rarely reread books, but this is one I'll return to.

Much of the advice feels deceptively simple. Yet throughout the book, I found myself reflecting on conversations with students, my own children, and even adults in my life. At its core, the book is about building healthy relationships. It offers practical ways to communicate respect and confidence in children's ability to think, solve problems, and grow.

A few reminders I'll keep working on:

• Acknowledge feelings before solving problems.

• Use descriptive observations instead of judgments.

• Ask fewer unnecessary questions.

• Give children time to think before answering.

• Encourage students to seek information from multiple sources outside of me.

• Use descriptive rather than evaluative praise.

• Be cautious about labels.

My favorite quote from the book was: "If our kids deserve 1,000 chances and then one more, then we deserve 1,000 chances and then two more."